12:35 a.m.
Silent Diary~
We were on the phone and there was a lull in conversation...There were many lulls, but one in particular just following the part where he asked if I was seeing anyone. I told him NO, and tried to come up with a good excuse. I struggled for a moment and then I told him it's because I don't have time. I'm sure I could find time If I found someone who was absolutely irresistible...
He told me all about the windy city, and his future plans. We talked a bit about Ben Folds and other common interests. I know now that I need to invest some more money in the other Ben Folds' CDs.
Sometimes when I'm in conversation I just want to ask, "what are you thinking"? I can sense his pensive gaze even through the phone...
His facial expressions capture so much attitude, I've probably got at least a dozen pictures capturing each and every mood.
There was about 20 seconds of dead air here and there. This silence stirs up so much curiousity. "What is he thinking about?" My lack of ability to strike up an intelligent conversation probably bored him to death...Can I blame my lack of conversation on the limited sleep I have been getting.
I keep waking up in the middle of the night, panicked. Feeling like there is something I need to do...but there is nothing.....nothing, but dead air!
I hate dead Air!!!.
Troy used to get so frustrated with me... He noticed that I couldn't handle dead air in our phone conversations that often lasted hours at a time. He tried to figure out why it bothered me so much.
Nick was another guy who would get pissed at me for being uncomfortable in a moment of silence. I would always say, "so......" and pause. He said that when I said, "so", that it was an insult and that I must be bored if I have to say "so".
I was pleasantly surprised when Ben Finally called me back tonight. I've left a few messages on his machine, but I never really expected him to call me back.
I don't know why I get so excited about his phone call, or his brief emails.
He is so sarcastic, yet it reeks of honesty, in the most innocent sense.
His innocence makes him sexy, in the most irresistible way.
And his innocence makes him mysterious, because no one is perfect, and people have their vices.
He is still so perfect.
I admire his attitude. He has an attitude that screams, "hey! Look at me!"
If I had to think of a quote that describes the way I look at him I would say, "Some pursue happiness, while others create it!"
He is pursuing acting, something I have always wanted to pursue. He is an amazing writer. He could model.
When I was in high school I was always told I would never be good enough by all of my role models. They told me that acting would get me a first class ticket to "nowhere-fast".
