9:59 p.m.
It's amazing how I can pop in any Ani Difranco CD, and she always has a song that portrays exactly how I feel at any certain moment...
I'm listening to "Gray"...
It's exactly the mood I am in.
It doesn't matter what mood I'm in, all of her songs remind me of Troy. He used to play her CD's over and over when I would stop by his place.
It's so funny that even after all this time, the only real memories I have of leaving my place to do something memorable, I was usually at his place. He would say that I NEVER came to see him enough. He always thought I was out doing something so much cooler than what I said I was doing. I wish he could talk to Pete, or the other people I would be with when I wasn't with him..They would tell him that the only time they got to see me was when they came over to my place. We would just sit in my room watching movies...and if it were Pete, we would probably be watching The Breakfast Club, for the millionth time.
I didn't do too much. On occasion I would go out to dinner with Jovan, or to a movie by myself, and when I would go to clubs, I didn't invite Troy because he hated them...
He didn't like some of the things that I liked doing, so I did them alone...
But the times we would sit in his apartment were memorable...Making clay sculptures, cooking, watching a movie, or ice fights....
I'm sick of this feeling in my gut...No matter how much I eat it keeps coming back...
I had a dream about him last night. We were at "color me mine" a pottery shop. It was his birthday and we were talking about the perfect birthday present. We were painting this clay sculpture of two people wraped around eachother. I woke up crying for some reason, and went back to sleep...I'm over it...I got over it by calling a guy I used to date from a pay phone. He didn't answer, so I wasted 50 cents on the call. I don't know what I would have said if he actually answered. We haven't talked since march. I think it was March? I don't even know why I called....I didn't have anything to say.
I did go to Java tonight. I even showed up early enough to read some poetry. Some drunk lady got up and started spewing something in a fake English accent...She got kicked off stage and the owner told her that there would be no more poetry open mic spots...
I was ok with it. I didn't really want to read my poetry. I wasn't in the mood.
I don't know why I even went out there.
Scott did not show up....
I didn't see Rick...but I did see the guy that resembles a little Chihuahua. He is more angry at the world that anyone I have ever met...
Shaggy told me he would try to show up, but yet again he did not.
However, his roommate did. Probably drunk or stoned...I don't think I've seen much of Allen sober.. The last time I saw him he acted like he really wanted to hang out, so I gave him my number for the 2nd time. When he didn't call I realized that he is just as superficial as every other guy I have met in a raunchy coffee shop. I thought that we were at least friends? Who knows...Fuck it..
When he decided not to call me, I called him, and left a few messages....He still never called.
So when he came to sit next to me I didn't say a word. I gave him a dirty look and he got up and went outside. I guess I was still pissed. Or slightly hurt and insulted. I thought, of all people he wasn't going to turn out to be a complete asshole.
He probably only asked for my number to fuck with me or because he was drunk..But then again, he's usually drunk or stoned..
If I can expect that behavior from all drunks, I might as well drop them....
Why can't guys just measure up to my standards?
and If they can't measure up, why can't I just come out and tell them, "YOU SUCK!! YOU DON'T MEASURE UP!"
I guess I'm over reacting.. Maybe my standards were too high for him. Then again, I don't think any guy has measured up to my standards for more than an hour or two.
It's so much easier for me to accept a guy who lives a million miles away, because I never have to deal with his "reality"....
I'm just sick of this whole scene.
I know someone every where I go...Or they know of me before I can even introduce myself...
I do love this song...GRAY
Ok, maybe I am superficial? Because I act happy when I'm not. I act happy because happiness in contagous. I like to see others happy, and sometimes It is enough to make me appear to be content...
I close my eyes...
Ani sings, "As bad as I am, I'm proud of the fact that I'm worse than I say I am.. what kind of paradise am I looking for, I got everything I wanted, but still I want more...."
That is something I feel every day.....
Will I ever have it all?
Will I ever like my job?
Will I ever fall in love again?
Where are my real friends when I need someone to talk to? Why can't I just pick up the phone to call them.
Instead, I grab a snack, a Nyquil, and get ready for bed....
