7:08 p.m.
Wretched Diary~
I try to pretend that this doesn't hurt. Pretending I don't care. If I didn't care, why does it take so much strength to let this go? Why am I even affected when my friends act like assholes? I pick my head up to notice that I'm coincidentally listening to Aerosmith, as Steve Tyler sings..."So tell me what it takes to let you go, tell me that you're happy on your own, tell me that it's better when you're all alone....." There are no lyrics that actually remind me of the asshole himself, because I've never been interested in him romantically, not even at prom. ...
( I keep hearing Aerosmith playing in the back ground of all of my dreams from the past few days)
Jay was worried about slapping someone else in the face, but he readily kicked me in mine....
A kick in the face....
There is no better way to convey the message!
Jay and I just managed to argue for all of a few minutes on aol instant messenger.
I definitely still feel like Jay pissed on me, even after his lame explanation. Ha, once again, I find myself asking, "With friends like these, who needs enemies?"
He says that I am Jealous!! Right....Keep tellin yourself that, maybe after a few days you will actually start believing it's true....He blames this whole argument on his struggle to be "honest" with everyone. By everyone he means, the girl that he's dating, as well as the girls he has dated in the past.. C'mon! By honest, he doesn't have to tell everyone that he HAD feelings for me. I'm not his first love! I was just his prom date.... It's not like he was ever in-love with me...Lets not build this up to be bigger than it is! Let it go!
I swear that if my guy friends don't act like assholes when they get a girlfriend, they have a psycho girl friend...I am not something to be used against some guys' "real" girlfriend, just to make her jealous! Why can't these people use a little common sense. There has got to be a reason why Kelly is ONLY friends with these guys? C'mon...Think real Hard! Because she IS NOT GOING TO DATE THEM! SHE IS NOT GOING TO MESS AROUND WITH THEM....I am not keeping them on the back burner for a lonely night when I just can't get action anywhere else.....I am not the competition your wild imagination makes me out to be. I am not the hoocherific girl working on sleeping with as many men as I can before the world comes to an abrupt end. I'm just a girl who demands the same respect that I readily give to my friends. I don't want to play games, I just want to be able to spend time with my friends without feeling like someone is watching over my shoulder....I'm not the woman with long beautiful locks....I'm not the girl with a body like Pamela Anderson, wearing tight leather mini skirts sucking on your mans face when you aren't around. You can rest peacefully at night knowing I wouldn't waste my time on a guy with a "REAL" girlfriend.....
Jay swears that he didn't do anything wrong. The simple fact is that he waited until the last minute to drop plans with me. Weather it was for a girl, or a monkey he still had the worst timing.
Jay said he had to go pick up his girl from work to patch up a fight.
He said that when we would go hang out, things got too weird between us, that I was sending out "signals?"....what the fuck?
I'm not a fucking satellite or radio Antenna! If I were sending out signals they wouldn't even be received on his planet.
I don't speak his fucking language!.
He thinks that things are too weird for us to be friends. He says that he isn't attracted to his other friends the way he's attracted to me. Oh, give me a break! For Petes' sake! (Which reminds me, Pete won't talk to me now that he's got a real girlfriend.) Maybe I'm just pissed because this isn't the first time I have tried to keep guys as friends and it didn't work out. I'm tired of wasting my time. I should cut all my guy friends off while I'm still ahead.?
I try to think of any signals I would have sent in the past. The only thing I could think of were things that had happed in the past. When we would have first started hanging out again...How I had taken him out to dinner a few times. I take Heidi out to dinner twice a week. She doesn't feel like things are getting WEIRD!. She doesn't feel like I'm "broadcasting" a mating call in her direction....what the fuck is going on!
Signals?........
Was it the fact that he stole scrubs from the hospital for me? The foot rubs on the couch? Telephone converstaions? Or the fact that my parents don't hate him? Was it watching friends on tv together? The way I told him he looked more like Ross on friends than Ben Affleck, The long drives to absolutely no where listening to great music, While we never had a "make-out session", Was it the fact that he stuck by me through my dads' surgery, through one of the toughest times of my life? What kind of signals are flowing through his head right now, even if any of that stuff in the past meant anything to him, that was months ago!
I didn't ask him to a freaking wedding! It was a CONCERT!!!!!!!!
I'm so much happier when my guy friends don't stress about their relationships. I have plenty of guy friends who can handle girlfriends and friends...the boundaries between the two are not confusing at all...
This whole fight could have been prevented if he could deal with his own inner struggles to make everyone and everything make sense all of the time.....For crying out LOUD! I probably would cry out loud if I had something to cry about. I just feel like hitting some balls in the batting cage! I'm filled with so much rage...
I've got news for the world!!....
I don't send smoke signals or Morse code! I don't have a satellite hanging out of my forehead!
I don't speak a foreign language, and I don't send subliminal messages through my eye lashes!!
I can speak my mind, and deal with my own emotions without dragging anyone else down with me....
Here's my fucking signal!...even better, I will leave the world with a huge yellow sign, it says;
"YIELD!"
Don't try to figure me out, you will only cause yourself to feel unwanted frustration!
