1:29 a.m.
I originally tried to sign off the Internet to sleep. I put on my favorite David Gray Cd and lit some candles. I have the same song on repeat over and over�
I found myself thinking deeper than I have thought all week�I�m choking up inside�As David sings, �You need someone to blame��. �Hold on, Hold onto me�
I remember when I first bought this cd last year.
Troy invited me over to his apartment to carve pumpkins. It was great. But I was nervous. Very nervous about my feelings. I was overwhelmed. I immediately burned him a copy of this cd.
This cd will forever remind me of Troy.
Tears well up in my eyes.
I can't believe we've known eachother for so many years, and it's over.....I would sit up each night crying. Crying, and listening to this song. (#3 on the �Lost Songs, album). I would light a candle and think of how perfect things could be. I felt that I fell short of my own expectations. I wanted to tell Troy I loved him, forever and ever amen..I genuinely loved him. I was confused�.It was a wholesome feeling, the feeling I get after eating my favorite food until I�m stuffed and ready for a nap. I loved seeing his eyes light up when we would see each other. Even when I was dating other guys, Troy was the only comfort I found in my day-to-day life when it came to guys. He was always there�There were times I tried to limit myself from his tender attention. I didn�t want to be distracted from being my �self�. I didn�t want to admit how vulnerable I had become.
I never told anyone how much time I would spend crying, torn by my own emotions and my shallow defenses.
There were nights that I couldn�t bare another moment of my own self-deprivation.
He never understood why some nights I would show up for no apparent reason, and then disappear for long periods of time. Even when I disappeared I always called.
Dave sings, �Sometimes there�s no easy way��.
I couldn�t handle one more moment being away from him. I craved him every day. I craved the man I held close on the big blue comfy couch.
Or the way he would massage my feet so tenderly. The man I teased relentlessly with ice. The man I would cook for and tell my deepest secrets and desires.
Onya always told it to me straight I guess. She made me feel�more confused than ever about my feelings for Troy. I don�t remember exactly what she said. What we discussed caused me to be more fickle�.I let it all go�.
And Dave sings, �Sometimes you need someone to blame.�
I don�t want to leave him so alone�..
Will I ever find it again? If I find it again, will it last?
I can never go back to him.
Even after he stuck by me through so many bad relationships. I did the same for him. I loved him more than a brother.
There was always something more. Everyone else saw it too.
The past few weeks here I have found myself attracted to a close friend more than a brother. Even when we pal around, something about him seems sexy on occasion. I�m sure it won�t last and I�m hoping that he gets a real girl friend soon.
I�m so tired of repressing my feelings and emotions.
Where is troy now? I haven�t received emails from him. I�m a bit worried most of the time. He once said I was the best he ever had�.Later, He said that he couldn�t bear to be around me. It�s torture.
My tears fall faster
TORTURE!!
I miss him. I miss his apartment. I miss the way he made me feel so comfortable. I need our long conversations. Those deep emotions.
I used to love hearing about his sex drive, even the gory details about his relations with other women.
Or hearing about how the mere mention of my name usually made some women insecure. Even those women knew he was in love with me. I loved him, I just couldn�t say it.
I won�t go back�..
I miss the satisfaction I would get laying with him watching movies while he would play with my hair.
Hearing about his accomplishments pulled me through some hard times that no one knew I struggled with.
David Gray sings, �Hold on, Hold onto me���
Tears keep falling.
I remember the way he quit smoking, (Oh, so many times), he went to school to chase his dreams while working full time. The way he painted a picture�his artistic qualities are endless.
Sometimes I woke up crying, wishing I could hold him for just a few minutes. Hoping to ease his pain and frustration that he felt with me, and my seemingly fickle behavior.
Wishing I could have assured him that I care.
Knowing in my heart that I am capable of loving, even when I�m not ready to face it�.
It's out there.It sucks to miss my best friend....
