2:55 a.m.
Hey Diary!! What's shakin?
"Am I doing this right?" That's the only thought going through my head at this time. I have written my diary entry 3 times now, and my computer keeps losing it. I have a lot I could write about considering I have experienced more in the past 3 months than I have my entire life, but I'll get to that later.
I heard about this page tonight from Rick, while at open mic night at Java(local coffee shop). I met Rick a while back at open mic night at Insomnia(local coffee shop).
Rick is cool. He's into acting and he's an all around nice guy. He know's some of the same people I used to be friends with. I dated a guy Jovan, and he seemed intimidated by Rick one night at Onya's going away party. She thought Jovan was pretty insecure yet full of himself. Friends tell me that Jovan turned out to be a total waste of my time, and great inspiration for verbally bashing poetry.
I used to read my poetry at Insomnia every Tuesday night. Tonight I ran into a few people from the old coffee shop crowd. I had left the whole scene behind when a relationship with a groupy went bad. It's hard to believe I have developed quite a following for my poetry. I was surprised to hear that anyone ever listened, let alone related to it. I only wish my words could pay the bills.
Tonight was a nice comfort to run into old friends. I have ran into so many faces these past few weeks. Although some of these old, not yet forgotten faces bring so much frustration and confusion. Why did we ever lose touch?
I spend most my time durring the day taking care of my dad. I quit my job as an office manager about 2 months ago when my dad had brain surgery on an annurism on a main artery. I should be out trying to find a night job so I can pay my bills.
My dads follow up appointments tell us little about his progress and what we can expect. you would think these doctors are trying to predict the weather. It's gatta be more complicated than rocket science, because every predictions seems so vague. Like, "hey, it may or may not rain tomorrow, so bring an umbrella." He has limited short term memory so I stay home with him and keep him company durring the day. Sometimes it must be bliss when he's not frustrated. Finding delight in seeing things for the first time everytime.
When he sees that block buster commercial for the 30th time today, the one with the bunny and the hamster, he laughs every time like it's the first time he's seen it, and then he makes a comment how those guys look a lot like my hamster and my bunny. Or the way he will hear one of my favorite songs by Ben Folds, and each time he will say, "wow, I've never heard that song but I really like it, who is it by?" It reminds me of how the first time I heard this song "The Luckiest" It gave me goose bumps.
Now that I am home more I find myself sitting in front of the computer quite a bit. Just because I haven't made it to an open mic in over a year doesn't mean I stopped writting. I've found more inspiration now than ever. Inspiration comes from my trip to Colorado, Canada, or just sitting home thinking about all the people I have met these past few months. I can hardly contain myself most days. There aren't enough hours in the day. It's 3:14 a.m. and I am still trying to get all my thoughts out onto paper so I can sleep.
One last thought! My friend Jay is pretty amazing. he was my prom date senior year. He has so much going for him and such strong motivation. This is the motivation I have found in others such as Missy or Lauren, but he's a guy, he's supposed to be numb and desensitized to all interpersonal communication with me. Most guys tell me I screw them up, give me a guilt trip or an attitude and hit the road within a few years, but more often in a few months, days, and sometimes hours....
Jay works in the cath lab of the hospital where they discovered my dads' condition. He has offerd so much medical insight, and support. my most recent poem was written for him.
Poem for Jay
Sometimes I�m so distracted
By my own intentions and thoughts
There are times I�ve over reacted
But I�m thankful for what I�ve got
I�ve never cheated on any one man
But Jay says I�m only true to myself
He said he�s the only one who understands
But sometimes he wishes I were someone else
I guess he�s had a while
To sit down and figure things out
He�s seen me with my most honest smile
And he�s sure he knows what I�m about
He�s the smartest man I know
And I look up to him so much
I wonder if our friendship will grow
Or if we are destined to once again lose touch
He pushes me to my max
And he�s not afraid to tell me the truth
I�m in awe listening to his medical facts
And I�m thankful when he pushes me through
He knows when I say things are bad
They are probably worse than I admit
Remembering all the fun times we once had
Sometimes I wonder why he puts up with my shit
He compliments my tenacity
He knows of the dreams I�ve left behind
I�ve rid my thoughts of all that is naughty and nasty
And he usually lingers in the back of my mind
Sometimes he knows what I will say
Before the words leave my mouth
I hope our friendship never fades
But sometimes I think he wants out
He resides under the same sky
The sky that has brought other men frustration and sorrow
He is one of the only guys
That I hope will still be around long after tomorrow
By Kelly T
