8:51 p.m.
Dear Diary-
Does it get anymore surreal? Is it a full mooon tonight? I swear, I am stuck in a parallel universe somewhere...somewhere where the puzzle pieces just don't seem to fit. Or where these pieces fit too well and I don't want to put a puzzle together anymore. I just want to put it away for the night, so I can sleep.
People from my past keep returning to kick me in the ..............face! First of all I can't eat, and I can't sleep because I'm so Distraught over that stupid comment a so called friend made. The other day I found myself actually missing him when he wasn't around, which proves that I was getting way too attatched, too quickly again. I have no room to be vulnerable right now. I sent him an instant message today and I got an automatic response that said,
"for a second there was a glimmer a feint shimmer, a small ray of hope. but then he said the wrong thing and was reminded that sadly, Love is still a joke...",
I think he may have meant faint, instead of feint, but that is what spell check is for, and I'm sure he uses it.
Reading this instant message tells me that he felt the same way, and that he is sorry. As time goes on, sorry becomes the hardest word for me to accept. I've got so many reasons why I'm not making time for the word so simple and friendly as, "SORRY". I know too many people, and most of them I consider friends, so if I have so many friends, why should I make an exception when one of them dicks me over or says something completely out of line...But I still miss him. I figure the only way to get over this is to not call him and not see him, cause those puppy dog eyes reel me in every time.
I sent out an email quiz today to the people who I believe to be my friends. Yet, I've recieved returned quizes from people I have not spoken with in a long time, and people that I have only shared small talk with who are friends of friends.
My sisters boyfriend sent the original quiz and, One of the cutie Mulnars sent me a copy, followed by my sister, and a few people that I didn't expect to hear from.
But most surprisingly I recieved a quiz from a girl I used to call my "best friend." We had common intersts in music and art. We never seemed to share the same opinion on guys so we never fought about stupid stuff like that.
I spent a lot of time wishing I could find a guy who I enjoyed hanging out with as much as I enjoyed my close friends. We would have fun just chilling or doing anything together. She was so artisticly inclined and I admired that. I hadn't found such a good friend since Missy, or Shanna and both of them moved out of state. She seemed to be the best friend anyone could ask for.
For my 21st birthday she got up in front of a packed house at Insomnia(local coffee shop) and read a poem on the oriental rug in front of everyone . She wrote the poem for me about how strong our friendship was. She says that she hates getting in front of people. I worked at a deli with her just to spend more time with her. Not because I wanted to work at a deli, but because working meant taking time out of hanging out.
She moved out to Oklahoma after she had a baby. When she left I missed her so much. She showed up to my Christmas party this year, and that was the highlight in the begining of the night.
Funny how things work out with best friends. They end up becomming so close to you, and they make themselves at home. Some friends borrow clothes, few borrow money, and most of them ask favors that sometimes make you feel a little obligated. She knew where the dishes were, she would spend the night all the time, she could serve herself with all the snacks, and I thought I made her feel at home. She was just short of getting a key to the house.
Sometimes Friends get too comfortable. One night when a group of my closest friends went out with my boyfriend, Charlie, and his friends, I left the causeway early and my boyfriend ended up having sex with my best friend. She became pregnant and never told me about the little secret. She could tell people that had nothing to do with the whole situation, which made me a joke. The guy I was dating didn't have a chance to tell me because I broke up with him as soon as I suspected SOMETHING had gone on between the two of them.
I didn't really mind losing him. I found a much better guy to spend time with for about 7 months until he cheated on me too.
This last Christmas was the worst ever. It started out being the best when I saw her surprise visit and then soon to follow I found out that my best friend had slept with my boyfriend the night that I had suspected. It felt like shit. Everyone seemed to know before I did, so I was just a big joke.
I choose not to talk about it. It's hard enough hearing about it, and I don't know if I will ever accept it. Thinking about the whole thing still makes me want to cry or puke or something....I wish she would have never written her quiz response to me.
It's not the first time one of my friends has decided to move in on a guy I'm dating, so I guess I should be used to it by now. With friends like that, who needs enemies. I know that anyone who could honestly say that they were friends with me was probably a best friend? I considered most of my friends the best!....
As I was cleaning off my book shelf I found a dusty decorated wine bottle she had made for me, and it holds the dead roses that Charlie had given to me. At one time he was willing to run out into a crowd of people at the renesance fair to profess his admiration for me, and now he's just a fuck up. I guess the dead roses symbolize what has become of all dead relationships that are tied within the decorative piece of trash.
