3:32 p.m.
Yo Diary-
I hate the word YO! The doctor I used to work for used the word yo, in a professional setting. He also used to use the saying, do something because "that's the cat's meow!", yeah, sure, right, what ever! Enough about stupid sayings that I don't like to use. Let's get to a topic,.......... or person that I have used or have wanted to use.
Did I use Brian? I find myself sitting here wondering what Brian is to me, but this is an idea/question I will never send to Brian. I could tell Missy how I feel about a guy before I could actually get up the guts to tell a guy how I feel about him, if I'm not sure about the concequences. I don't want to stick my neck out there and take the chance of ever feelings rejected again.
I will title my latest poem "a letter to Brian." Or maybe letters never sent....NO I can't use that title, I titled a poem for Zach, 'Letters never sent.'
What ever happend to Zach in Ohio? Chris, in California? Or Ben from Colorado, who soon moved to Chicago? Or sonny In Canada for that matter? All these cute guys that live so far away. It seemed like we had something in common. It's easier to let myself have something happen so fast when I know it has the potential threat to crumble before it even developes. That is probably why I found it so easy to be attracted to Zach. All of the exchanged feelings and thoughts through email forced me to actually break down and communicate with these guys. When I am home, I don't need to communicate with any of the guys I date because they are all just playing the same game trying to get a piece of ass in the end. They play these games even after I tell them they are wasting their time....Stupid BOYS!
It's the same as wanting something I can't have. I only want most things based on the fact that they are unobtainable objects of my affection, a fantasy, or they will not work out in the end. Maybe all I really need is a good challenge to hook me onto a Mr. Right. Where is Mr. Right anyways? I'm still waiting.....
Most of my fantasy guys at one time or another were put into a physical attraction catagory that I put actors into. For instance, Steve was cute because he reminded me of Ben Affleck, And Chris, he was HOT because he resembled Justin Timberlake. Deep down, these movie star look alikes have very little to offer and they have barely anything in common with me. They only waned at piece of booty, a piece of something they will never get. So I became something they wanted simply based on the fact that they couldn't have it. I mean, c'mon, I'm not all that and a bucket of chicken! I'm just a prude.
So here's to the things we can never have!!!
Letter never sent to Brian-
Caressing your body with my fingers
Running my fingers through your hair
The scent of you still lingers
Long after you were there
I want my simple gestures
To become so much more
My heart�s on a roller coaster
And I�m left asking myself who I�m doing this for
I can�t explain this hunger
The need I have for this
Sometimes I get lost in wonder
After being seduced by your kiss
This wonder deep inside
It�s the wonder that keeps me up at night
Should I run and hide
Will this seduction ever feel right
Reliving every single moment
Moments spent holding you
Feeling absolute contentment
Until you say you�re just passing through
Two separate souls
We were brought together so fast
Why would god let me feel so whole
If this wholeness wasn�t meant to last
Temptation drove me to your arms
But it�s the same secret that drives me away
Causing a slight feeling of alarm
Wishing you could just stay
Emptiness threatens me here
Now that your mind is set
Pardoning the temptation of fears
These fears you won�t let me forget
Dreading a moment without you
Every moment you�re on my mind
I don�t know what I�m goanna do
When you pick up and leave half of your soul behind
Kelly T
