8:36 P.M.
I can’t explain why I’ve always been so comfortable around him. Maybe it was his quick witt or his funny sense of humor that reeled me in to this invisible comfort zone.
I felt so selfish just being around him for the longest time. My mind would wonder onto other things when we would be out, and it wasn’t fair to him. I would call him to get me out of the house, and we’d do things like see movies, or go to the beach.
I never looked over my shoulder to see if he was checking out my butt because it would NEVER happen.
Although he told me he was in to me, I doubted it more than I believed it. We didn’t like the same kinds of music and he was always more open-minded than me when it came to trying new foods or trusting strangers.
In contrast, I was more open minded about faith, and things that couldn’t always be proved right or wrong by science.
Those were beliefs that people don’t often change, and he was far more bitter about the subject than anyone I had ever met, but I never wanted to change him or sway his opinions.
I have too much to improve about myself before I start judging people.
And trust....has, and always will be difficult for me.
I'm sure he doesn't struggle with this as badly as I do.
The more I find to like about someone, the less I want to trust in our relationship because I become so scared of losing it.
And I know... I know he talks...
I would rather have someone approach me if they have a problem with me instead of asking some total stranger about a hypothetical situation that somehow involved ME.
So I guess it was better that he cut me off when he did.
I had originally made the decision NOT to hook up with him.
I never meant for things to get too heavy, or for him to feel overloaded.
I knew eventually there would be a confrontation about getting physical. I avoided making it an issue.
Now I’m scared to death of what he must think of me right now.
He doesn’t return my calls, or my emails, but I read some of the notes from his friends that mention that he festers some sort of deep regret.
What I should really be thinking is, “NO REGRETS”.
I’m NOTHING like the other girls from his past.
This is completely different; and the opinions from people about me, from people who have never FUCKING met me… it should mean nothing.
I'm just a hypothetical to those strangers at the party, but to him... To him, I had a fucking face and a name.
I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore.
Saying ANYTHING at this point feels better than locking it all up inside.
p.s. I finally parted with that stupid letter he wrote me so long ago. I ripped it up into a million little pieces and threw it out with the rest of the garbage any other guy has ever fed me. I don't even know why I kept it after all this time....
I need to refocus and get back to the gym as soon as I’m up and kicking again.
My throat is fucking KILLIN me! I can't swallow without cringing, and just breathing at this point hurts. But... I’ve decided to get back to work tomorrow whether I’m better or not. Yvette keeps calling me asking me questions that I would probably go to my boss for anyway. I feel so useless here, sleeping all day, and doing much of nothing else.
