7:15 P.M.
Over the past few months I have truly dwindled into some once foreign territory, and apparently my friends AND a new acquaintance has noticed.
He mentioned that lately…. (When he says lately, he’s referring to the last 10 days)
He said, “Lately, I have noticed you haven’t exactly been acting like yourself”.
I’m not sure where he draws this assumption from, given he hasn’t know me long at all. I can’t even say I knew who he was 6 months ago.
He continued on to say, “I mean the past 10 or so days, you have been happy but I don’t think it’s genuine. I think you are faking it for the better part of the time. It’s as if your mind is in a cloud or a deep daze. One minute we’ll be talking and you’re totally part of the conversation, and then the next you just stop arguing with me and give up. It’s as if you aren’t even a part of the conversation anymore. Where have you been? Where is your mind wandering?”
Okay… Maybe he’s right?
My mind IS wandering in and out of our conversations because I spend a lot of time wondering where he draws his silly conclusions. He doesn’t even know me!
It’s as if he only states his perception of me, to get a reaction from me to see if it’s correct. I feel that he’s totally reaching and desperate to get to know me, but wants to rush things and not take the time to get to know me for real.
Why should I even care?
It’s not like anyone else had really taken the time to get to know me. Why would I need this to be any different?
Lately, I’ve been stuck in this non-judgmental stage and ready to give pretty much anyone a chance at this point. I’m just so damn tired of trying; and I wonder what separates my own current, sad state from that of my mom’s just a few weeks ago.
I’m just so damn tired of losing.
I’m broke, I’m lonely, and have reached the border of almost dropping down into the ‘dumps’
My mind is a freakin’ mess.
