10:10 P.M.
Wow!
It�s been a while since I�ve written anything at all. It seems that lately, since I started �living more� I stopped writing so much. I�m spending a lot of time catching up with old friends of mine and have been having a great time while we�re out.
It�s just like that John Mayer song where he talks about traveling and not having a camera by his side. I really need to start carrying a camera more often. Photographs would really preserve some of these great new memories we�re building together.
I have some friends coming in from out of town this week and they stay until early next week. I have to work long hours next week so I�ll see them as much as I can over the weekend. They haven�t confirmed that they need to crash at my place over the weekend so some of the plans are still up in the air.
I�m excited to get the weekend rolling!
I�d like to say that everything in my life right now is �peaches and cream� but I�ve had my share of struggle. I think my sudden need to surround myself with good people has a lot to do with the struggles I�ve run into these past few weeks.
For a few days there, a family related upheaval left me to believe that I would have to sell all my stuff and move back home to take care of mom and dad. I�m glad I didn�t get too involved. Things have calmed down a bit and I know it will be rough for a while, but I�m up for the challenge. I�m confident things will work out for the best in the end.
As for mister �ultimatum� (from my past); His demands have taken a back burner until I can work through the other more immediate struggles that I�ve been faced with. October seems like a long way away, but his proposal is closely approaching around the corner.
I haven�t even brought him up to speed on the family crisis that had plagued me all weekend. All he knows are the details involved with my recent distraction and major hiccup, where I questioned my own commitment to our future together and he�s still hanging on.
I haven�t told him about the family issues because don�t want to bring him down with my problems. I just can�t think negative when he�s around, because everything is �sunshine and rainbows�.
I wish I could understand his motivation for wanting to get back together with me, because he appears to be so open to me �getting things out of my system�. He doesn�t think any other guy is a threat to our future together, and seems almost too eager to accept me for all of my flaws and complications.
It�s as if once again a guy is putting me up on this pedestal with unrealistic hopes and expectations, only to eventually push me off at any given moment.
I saw the movie �The Break-Up� the other night and there is a scene where Jen and Vince argue about buying enough lemons for a centerpiece and setting the dinner table. Deep down, the argument had NOTHING to do with lemons, and more to do with feeling appreciated and it made me think about every failed relationship in my past. I�ve been there in that exact moment quite a few times. I don�t want to think about the past but inevitably that situation may rise again with the next relationship, and I want to be better prepared to handle my own actions and reactions.
I find it very strange that mister �ultimatum� actually suggests that I go on dates with as many NEW guys as I can find. He told me he would prefer the new guys over me visiting with my ex. He said, �There are just too many new great guys out there to focus on just one right now. Guys DON�T change! Don�t make someone a priority when they�ve decided that you�re noting more than an option to them.�
(I�m pretty sure he�s stolen his quotes from someone wiser than himself, but mister �ultimatum� is right� )
He believes that my recent relapse impulses are just THAT. I�m not sure they have meaning to either party involved and I don�t even want to think about it anymore. They provided a break from the stress. They are simple impulses that probably mean nothing to the guy I had hooked up with.
I don�t want to get hurt again and I think I�ve gotten a lot out of my system this past week. I feel a little better now that I have. I don�t question so much about �what could have been�. I�m not going to waste any time chasing or changing men.
