7:07 P.M.
Tonight Kitty came home after work and made me a great home cooked meal before going to class. His kind gesture was EXACTLY what I had been looking for.
I wasn�t even aware I had been seeking a home cooked meal, but once I had it I felt great.
I felt numb most of the day and I don�t know exactly what I accomplished. I just went to work and fell into some sort of routine and kept myself busy doing �work things�.
I don�t want to think about mourning my loss. I�m exhausted and need to focus on something positive.
I�ve never been really good at actually attending funerals�
As far back as I can remember, I think I�ve only been to a few. Not to say that I don�t grieve. I still grieve my losses, and I feel just as empty when I don�t make it to the funeral but I just don�t have to talk about my sadness with other people who are going through the same thing.
I can�t say that grieving alone cuts down the time it takes to get over the loss of someone close to me. It�s just easier to fake a happy face when it really counts.
I went to bed really early last night and slept about 13 hours. It felt good to stay in bed and just think but it left me feeling a little lonely. I feel like a piece of me died with my uncle, and I don�t even see him very often anymore. It�s just that when he was around I think I felt the most �at home�.
I once again realized that I don�t know what �at home� feels like any more.
I wake up every day, go to work, come home, put my shit away and go to bed.
I don�t have a set �dinner time�, or someone who agrees to meet me on schedule.
My apartment is an apartment. I share my space with two other people who are completely independent and I miss the feeling I had of content while I was around my grandparents as a kid. I can't say the times I recall were always happy, but I can remember that they were dependable, and somewhat scheduled. I knew that no matter what, I had someone there for me. I miss my grandfather so much and think of him again more now that Clint is gone.
I feel like my head is in the clouds, bouncing back and forth, not making any sense.
I feel like I�m running with no purpose. When I got out of bed today and decided NOT to think for a little while. I went to work, got lost in my work load, and didn�t think about anything but getting my work done. I faintly remember comments of compassion that came from some of my co-workers, but my response to their comments became automated and tired. Now I�m home and my brain starts to shift back to thoughts about Clint.
Grandma leaves in the morning to head up to Michigan City and I will be at work. I get paid tomorrow but I won�t have enough money to get a hotel room and a flight to go to the funeral. Although I won�t be there to join my family in the celebration of Clints� achievements, they will all be in my thoughts. I�m going to miss that guy.
