9:00 P.M.
�BE HERE NOW!�
He says it but I�m not complying.
I simply want to glance over at my watch to see what time it is.
Is it quitting time?
I have a million and one other thoughts running through my mind as he goes on to say, �Did you finish the� (Long pause)
Then he continues in an angry tone, �Kelly are you even listening to me?�
**he waves his hand in front of my face**
I must have had a blank stare because he knows that I�m not even listening.
So out of sheer empathy, I join in conversation and I state, �Yes. I�ve already finished the report. It�s all logged and ready to go. Check the database. It�s all there now.�
He shoots me an expression of disappointment and turns to walk out.
I check the clock and think to myself, �Just five more minutes.�
A few minutes later, I clock out and head home to �The Same Thing Happens Every Night.�
*^*^*^*^*^*
Lately, I have been filled with ping-pong emotions.
*^*^*^*^*^*^*
I come home and am suddenly welcomed into another one-sided conversation.
I say something, and he glances at his fingernails and starts to chew on them.
He looks around the room trying to find a stationary object to focus on until it�s his turn to talk.
I look around the room wondering what he�s looking at and just stop talking mid sentance.
What could he possibly be thinking about?
JUST THEN, I think to myself, "It happens to everyone."
Now I know why the other guy seemed so upset when I wasn't listening.
I�ll be deep in conversation with someone and notice him or her grimace.
All of a sudden, I want to know exactly what they are thinking.
Then I want to slap myself as I think, "Was I always this shallow and introspective?"
**Then whap!!**
I'm back on my silly introspective analysis.
I had stopped talking long enough for him to ask me to go out to dinner with him.
I say, "No......."
What just made him grimace after I said, �No. Thanks for the invite, but I�m going to stay close to home tonight.�
All this time that we've been having a conversation he was glancing at the fake plant in the corner of the room.
He wasn't even listening to me.
Why does he care what I'm going to do without him tonight?
I've gone 25 years without him. I'm pretty sure I can make it just one more night....
He still gets pissy.
I was telling the truth and trying to be polite about an already uncomfortable situation.
The truth is I need time to myself. I need time to think about some of the things going on around me, so that I can eventually clear my head.
This time to myself does not include a time slot for wondering why someone else doesn�t understand WHY I need this time to myself.
Oh, and here comes empathy.....
He asks how grandma is doing and then looks out the window as I reply,
�She�s having her surgery in a few weeks so I�d like to spend as much time as I can with her.�
And he makes that silly facial expression. That simple fake gesture that for some is an expression of empathy.
I don�t know where I get off thinking he�s faking it. Maybe he truly empathizes with my situation? How could I honestly know what he�s thinking?
Maybe he�s not even thinking about my situation as I�m talking.
Maybe he just remembered that he left the iron on?
Maybe he forgot to lock the door before we met up?
Maybe he just realized that his favorite television show is on at this very moment and he is trying to think of the perfect excuse to get up and leave?
Why can�t I just have the conversation and leave it at that?
Why do I wonder what is running through someone else�s mind at this very moment?
Does it even matter?
I sit here.
I wonder, but as I type it all out I start to feel as If it's just aimless, selfish, banter.
Truthfully, If anyone else were discussing these directionless deep thoughts with me I would probably wonder off to my own thoughts for a few empty moments.
I wish I could turn my own thoughts off for 10 minutes.....
Maybe I'm just lonely?
I think to myself, "It's been a long time since I didn't feel alone...."
Maybe I just need someone new and exciting to talk to?.....
