10:50 P.M.
"You deserve a LOT better...."
She said it but I didn't believe it.
She didn't even know my situation.
We won't mention names because she didn't even know she was talking about Ryan.....
Sure, ok, I "Deserve" better, but that Brittany Spears pudge that I've been working on is starting to take form.
And that "Pudge" won't be love handles unless someone loves me.....
I don't want love for the sake of being loved....
I want to be in love already...
Not with Ryan so much anymore, but I'd like to be in love...
Infatuation... It's a funny thing. When the chemicals in your brain wear off, you wake up feeling like you are so lost in a daze. Like you were the last to figure out that neon green socks are now "OUT" of style!...
Ok, Ok.....
I went to the BBQ.
I swear, Richey is actually quite a nice guy. I've never really heard nice things about him, but then I guess I should look at the people who talked shit about him. It was people who probably didn't know him very well.
I was stuffy, and boring.
I called on the way there asking what I could bring. I went to the grocery store and loaded up on cabob supplies, and all the other fixins along with the beer that I wasn't going to drink.
I'm fine with the whole "friends" thing. The more I think about it, the better it starts to feel.
I met some of Ryan's friends, and most of them are actually quite hot.
I can't say that they are much better off than Ryan, but at least they don't treat me all weird...
Ryan hardly spoke.
He was so stoned that he was beyond damn lazy.
There were a few times where I watched him from across the room and actually laughed at his lazy posture.
Out of his friends I think that Thom, Steve-o, Richey, Richey�s girl, and the dogs were the warmest...
Even a bit more warm than Ryan who had a strange distance about him....
The same kind of distance one would have over doing something they regret, but yet we only shared a kiss the other night and he didn't seem to be regretting it yesterday...
Maybe he is paranoid that I don't like his friends because they smoke the dopes...
I'm not going to make a judgment call there...
Thom actually sat down and we had a short chat...
(not the pudgy guy with an attitude, that Sabrina had a crush on, the other one)
And then there was Ryan......
The goodbye was hollow and cold.
I was drained and
Dinner was fabulous!
I keep thinking, �If he would only listen, he might just figure out what he�s been missin�� but then again�
Why waste anymore time?
I�ll take it for what it was.
It was a great weekend.
Thank you Ryan�.
Goodbye�
Now I'm going to try to sleep....
Who am I kidding....
I won't sleep.
My dad is upset about my appointment tomorrow. He's very worried after hearing what my doctor said. How the heck did he find out? I was trying to protect him.....He doesn't need to know...
I'm dreading the results of this damn CAT Scan tomorrow...
I tried to rest....and then I wrote another poem in my strem of tears....
So here's the poem already......
**************************************
The empty promises love made
Cut deep under my skin
After the feeling fades
I wake up to this mess I'm in
I have such an intense feeling of longing,....
dreading...
try to be strong....
Try to clear my head...
so much hopelessness....
and I don't sleep....
wish I had your gentle caress..
Instead I weap,
I still cry.....
With no one to catch these tears..
Wishing you were by my side...
to calm all of my secret fears....
make a molehill of a mountain...
hoping it doesn't show...
so much rushing through my brain...
Deep down wanting to just let go....
Let go of tomorrow...
and the day after that...
Forgetting my sorrow....
Still too tired to react...
There's nothing I can say...
Nothing I can do...
It seems that the news today...
has made it so impossible to break through...
SO much goes on...
So much in my mind....
Now that you are gone...
I feel like I've left something important behind...
Wish I had more of an influence...
wish you missed me a little more..
I think I would have more tollerance...
If I Believed in what I was fighting for...
But lately it's all up hill...
I can't do it all over again...
I've honestly lost my will....
and I'm done playing this game of pretend...
I thought I could do this...
I thought I wanted love...
feelings are dismissed...
realizing..., love just didn't offer me enough..
By: Kelly T.
